I hate all girls vehemently.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
