i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
