when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
