you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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