Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize