I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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