Girls should come with a carfax report
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize