just come out here and I will go home with you...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
