This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
