I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
