my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
