Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
