i was born a porn star she said
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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