I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
