Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize