It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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