I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
