i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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