Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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