hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
