Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Let's get the cat blown out
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
