just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
