You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
