You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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