ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You are a genius and a whore.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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