All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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