If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
