I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
