Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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