I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
