come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My ass is underappreciated
Is Oprah even human
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
