Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You can't motorboat a personality
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
