Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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