I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My hand turned me down
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
