I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize