Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
time to smoke my breakfast
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My liver just had a heart attack.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
