oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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