I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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