I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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