i used baking grease as lip gloss
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
