Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
