Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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