once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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