I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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