I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
