You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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