i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
