Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
