I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
