I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
