If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am midnight drunk by noon
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
