I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
