I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
These tits shall not be calmed
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
