I wish I only lived at night.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize