i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
