I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
