i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
