dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
