Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize