she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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