I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
