Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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