i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
