I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
