Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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