If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize