The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize