hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
