he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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